


black, blue, black, woo (please say you love me)

by heecheondo (orphan_account)



Category: PRISTIN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Angst, Bad Ending, F/F, Heavy Angst, Insanity, I’m sorry, Jealousy, One-Sided Attraction, but isnt i guess ??? sdjfsfkh, horrible ending, i hate this, idk which suits better, lapslock, not zombie apocalypse tho, was meant to be a drabble, yaebin instead of yebin cuz thats how she writes, yaebin-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-08-21 08:44:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16573358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/heecheondo
Summary: an apocalypse wasn’t the place for feelings, yet it wasn’t something that yaebin could control. feeling.loving. but also hating.





	black, blue, black, woo (please say you love me)

yaebin had always been someone with strong emotions. she loves a lot, but she hates just as much. it was never an issue before and, well, why would it be anyway? some people were like this all the time, or even worse. and, besides, she had a strong self-control, stronger than her feelings. she wouldn’t cross any moral line.

 _but that was before_ , a voice told her. it was before the world went into a bloody war, before so many died, before the planet nearly collapsed and left its survivals struggling to live peacefully. governments destroyed, anarchies and dictatorships taking its place. there were no goddamn morals anymore, just a bunch of animals who called themselves humans wanting their own personal desires and pleasures to be achieved.

and, putting some thought into it, maybe yaebin wasn’t too different from them.

“yaebin-ah, can you help me with this, please?”, she heard the voice of their oldest unnie, nayoung, calling for her. she blinked her thoughts away, turning to see her.

“sure”, she quietly said, moving towards her who was packing her stuff to move. they had decided to rest for a couple of days after getting attacked for wild animals - actual animals, like wolves and other beings, not _human_ animals this time - and had many of their group deeply wounded. two of them had died for not having what was necessary to take proper care of them, and siyeon still had to fully recover her legs to be able to run, although she at least could stand and slowly follow them now. even so, food was getting short and it was never good to stay too long in one single place, so the oldest had decided they’d be leaving by the morning. it was risky, but their leader thought that maybe it’d be for the best and no one had a better idea.

as she did what she had to, yaebin gave a quick glare to one of the girls. minkyung. she was stunning even in a moment like this. her hair was a mess, hidden in a low ponytail, she had no makeup and was probably needing a bath, much like everyone else did, but for her she was still her gorgeous, perfect self. the two of them were co-workers before what happened yet never really talked, because yaebin was too intimidated by the older. but when hell came, maybe because of fate, they found each other and minkyung had saved her life. she was endlessly thankful and also saw a side of her she couldn’t even imagine. she was fierce but still so kind, it made her hooked. and it made her more curious to know all about her. she wanted to know it all, stay with her forever, be able to do more than just exchange a few words with her. she wanted to love and to be loved.

yaebin frowned as she saw another girl, this one short haired, sit down beside minkyung. she knew who she was: kyungwon, one of the girls from nayoung’s team and the one who found the two of them, and also the one who suggested their oldest to accept them, despite her strongly believing that it would not be good to trust strangers. yet kyungwon managed to make her change her mind, letting the two travel along them. yaebin wanted to be thankful for her, if not for the way she acted when next to minkyung. she'd smile weirdly, hesitate in speaking, stutter when she opened her mouth, and she has this one stupid habit of tucking her hair behind her ear _constantly_ when the slightly older interacted with her back.

it was annoying seeing it, she concluded, staring at her doing exactly what she hated, sitting beside the long haired girl and being her embarrassing, awkward self. it was so annoying because kyungwon had no right to be like this. sure she knew how the other was captivating but she met minkyung last, she barely knew her. she had no right to like her the way yaebin did. but the most annoying thing was to see that minkyung apparently did not see any bad in it, much the opposite, she seemed to enjoy that. and _why_? they were strangers not long ago, in contrast to the fact she had been always there for minkyung, in a way. sure they weren’t the best of friends before, not even the worst of friends as they weren't even friends, but they still knew each other for years, had talked quite a lot and worked just as much. kyungwon was nobody.

why couldn’t minkyung love her as much as she loved the older? it was annoying.

(and by annoying, _maybe_ she meant infuriating, but don't quote yaebin into that.)

“are you done?”, the leader asked after some time, seeing that yaebin had stopped packing up to stare at the duo.

she coughed embarrassedly for being caught. “no. sorry, unnie. i’ll finish it.”

nayoung nodded carefully. “don’t let it consume you.”

the younger stared at the other. “what…?”

“the situation we’re in is complicated. the world we used to live in is no longer real and that will affect us all. it already has. but you can’t let it consume you”, she said, turning to the two other girls who were too busy laughing at their chat to pay attention to them. “whatever you’re feeling right now, you can’t let it consume you. don’t let it make you forget who you are and what you stand for.”

she gulped. “i don’t get it.”

“…hopefully you will”, she just said, leaving the other behind with her thoughts.

it didn’t make sense. did she know that she liked minkyung and was telling her to stay away from her? to conceal her love?

…or did she know how _bad_ she thought of kyungwon, and hoped she’d conceal her hatred instead?

yaebin didn’t really now. and, deep down, she didn’t want to. it didn’t matter, probably. it was nothing, just a long time crush and hints of jealousy. that was normal.

 _but what even is normal nowadays?_ , the voice returned to pester her. she decided to ignore it and not reply.

(however, she did think about it for days and days  _and days_ , until she got its answer.)

 

 

 

 

 

when you’re walking and walking _and walking_ , searching for something you’re not entirely sure you’ll find or if it even exists, it’s inevitable to lost track of time. it was also inevitable to be on edge, to be utterly stressed, frustrated, angry. it was no different for yaebin, someone who already had strong emotions in normal situations. but this was not normal, it didn’t exist anymore, normality. this was their normal now, fighting for survival and hoping to find somewhere safe.

they were down to five members now. nayoung, minkyung, kyungwon, a young girl named yewon and herself. siyeon didn’t last long with her injured leg, sungyeon and kyla had once disappeared to god knows where, too stubborn to follow the leader’s order to not go out at night, which caused their position to be revealed and making eunwoo sacrifice herself to save jieqiong from a bandit only to get them both killed. it had been quite traumatic for the team, but sadly, it wasn’t their last tragedy.

their youngest had been injured since their last incident and had gotten deeply ill. to make it worst, they didn’t have anything for their treatment, so they just moved forwards - a bit slower this time - hoping to find something or someone who could help her. but winter would soon come, and they couldn’t move too far when once it does.

if yaebin had been honest, she didn’t feel anything when she looked at the girl suffering in pain, pale as the snow that started to fall, too weak to move. if anything, she looked at her and wanted to end her right there. she would slow them down, she was a risk for her, for minkyung, for all of them. of course she couldn’t say it to the older ones, who were doing their best to take care of yewon. they wouldn’t understand her.

she didn’t know why they tried so hard to keep her alive. were they blind to the situation they were in or what? they could _all_ get killed simply for not leaving her behind, but somehow, they didn’t even consider this alternative.

 _pathetic_ , the voice inside her head laughed. _they still think according to the morals. it’d be cute if it didn’t make you so fucking vulnerable as well_.

yaebin hated that she agreed with it. but she pretended she didn’t, eyeing the way minkyung kept beside their maknae, whispering sweet lies of a better place, of her getting better, of everything getting better. she hated those lies but she loved seeing how caring the older was, smiling at the young one and petting her hair. how much she wished it was her instead, but not because she was about to die, like yewon soon would be. but because of love. because she wanted minkyung to look like that to her because yaebin wanted her to love her.

however, that’d be a little impossible. she knew minkyung had fallen for kyungwon at some point when fall was starting. it was quite hilarious how she _felt_ in love in _fall_. and by hilarious yaebin meant horrendous, because she had witnessed it all. from the moment they stopped being strangers, passing through the moment they admitted to themselves, to the moment they realized it was mutual.

not that it had been planned. she would have liked better if all of that happened without her noticing, but it didn’t go that way. yaebin was cursed with her eyes being quick to notice that kind of stuff, like a hawk keeping close eyes to its prey. the younger craved her and naturally always reached to minkyung. she did not plan into witnessing their love, but sadly she did. she would always found her. and kyungwon as well.

she remembers perfectly way the day her hopes died, the two of them far from their camp, into the woods. yaebin just wanted to be sure minkyung was okay, always sensitive with this new normativity they found themselves on, until she found her, and of course kyungwon was with her this time too. they weren’t doing anything much, at least not in the eyes of ordinary people, but considering what the oldest told the other, how she looked at her, and how they held each other tightly after that, it was a pretty nasty view for yaebin. how dared her love kyungwon when she’s been _right there_ beside her during this hell?

it’s been torture. so much went through her mind, so many things she wanted to do to minkyung, to kyungwon, but no matter how much the voice whispered to her she still had this one tiny part of her sanity intact, holding her back, and she spent most of her energy clinging to it.

but it was getting smaller and smaller and it knew, this thing inside her. it knew, and it was waiting so it could snap, so yaebin would snap, and it would get what it wanted.

however, yaebin _was still_  pretty much sane, and therefore she would remain quiet, just observing and wishing. _for now at least_ , the voice kept trying to convince her. she told it to get lost.

“yaebin-ah?”, her beloved was suddenly looking at her instead, hands still resting on the younger one’s forehead. her face was dark but she still looked the purest thing this world had ever been blessed with. “could you get me something wet to put on yewon’s forehead? she’s still too hot.”

she fought the desire to smile at the older - just because she talked to you it does not mean you should smile sweetly at her, bad fucking timing yaebin-ah - and simply nodded instead, turning around and leaving minkyung behind so she could do what she was told to.

 

 

 

 

yewon didn’t last too much after that. she still didn’t feel a thing to her last dongsaeng, but when she saw how much minkyung cried on kyungwon’s arms, feeling sorry that she couldn’t save her, it hurt. not because they lost someone else. but because her beloved unnie was sad, because she needed comfort, and because she was not with her.

something inside her burned, and she got up for a walk. no one checked on her, thinking she needed some time to herself.

they weren’t exactly wrong.

 

 

 

 

nayoung and kyungwon went into a misunderstanding one day, leading the two of them to argue _badly_.

nayoung wanted to keep going south. they’ve been doing it since they had just formed their stupid group, eunwoo telling the other nine girls about this one safe place she had heard of and was willing to go, because she promised to a friend of hers they would meet there. they were down to four now, and for her, it was too late to back off at a time like this. she felt like it was a waste of the other girls lives, and besides, she had promised them to bring them to this place. she felt like it was her responsibility to do so.

kyungwon was tired. she didn’t want anyone else to die for a place they weren’t even sure that it would actually be safe, or worse, if it actually existed or not. for her, it’d be better for them to make their own safe place and do their best to survive. they traveled for so long and so many had been left behind.

yaebin understood her point wholeheartedly. she really didn’t care about the others but she didn’t want minkyung to be the next one of their little team to die. you can’t really predict tragedies, otherwise the world wouldn’t have fucking ended like it did. and if she wanted to protect the older, even with her not even looking back at her, it would be wiser to - _ugh_ \- listen to kyungwon.

minkyung disagreed. she didn’t want to live in fear, surviving at a lost place, if she could try to go to this place where others were open to accepting survivors. they would probably have more food, medicine, and they would be a great help of the four of them. besides, once they recovered, they could also help other travellers who found the place as well. their lives would have a purpose, finally.

the younger thought it was funny how, even at a time like this, her beloved still did not click well with her thoughts, even going against her own girlfriend’s words to disagree with her.

and by funny, she meant it was the last straw. what did she have against herself? did she despite her? did she hate her for something she had done back when the world was all full of rainbows and cute animals? or did she do something after hell surfaced the planet? or was it something on her face? did she smile too little? was her hair too long?

why? why couldn’t she just fucking love her already?

_will she have to fucking force her to do so, or what?_

“listen to your girlfriend, kang kyungwon”, nayoung suddenly shouted, waking her from her dark thoughts. “you rather hiding in here until the day you fucking die? for what, so you can have a happy life with minkyung? sorry to burst your bubble like this but it’s not gonna happen no matter where we fucking go. we are all doomed.”

“yeah, listen to your unnie, kang kyungwon”, yaebin found herself saying afterwards, too annoyed to deal with the silence that had followed the oldest’s words. “we are _all_ fucking doomed. don’t think you’re fucking blessed or something just because you have an angel looking after you. your angel is just a stupid human like you and i are and she does stupid mistakes like you and i do.”

the older trio shared a glare between themselves, not really understanding where this was coming from. as expected. “what the hell are you even talking about? you were agreeing to nayoung-unnie two seconds ago.”

“fuck nayoung-unnie, i don’t care about her”, she stared at minkyung dead in the eye before turning back to kyungwon. “i’m talking about _her_. your stupid girlfriend.”

the other had the guts to blink in confusion. “what did i do?”

“ _what did you do_? oh boy, where do i fucking start”, he laughed in annoyance. “you did nothing. you’re a fucking angel who is always thinking about everyone, who’s always so calm and caring. except when it’s about me, i guess. _how come you see every fucking one around you but me, when you’re literally the only fucking shit i can see_?!”

“yaebin”, their leader spoke in a warning tone. “i don’t think this is the time for this conversation. we’re all too stressed, maybe we should--”

“don’t let it consume you”, she said in a scoff. “that was you told me, remember, unnie? so long ago, when we were still ten and you were starting to trust minkyung-unnie and i. well, guess what? your dumb advice was fucking useless. either way, _i never give a fuck about any of you anyway_. nothing you could say or do would be actually helpful.”

she eyed how nayoung was taken aback at her remark, trying to recover her posture, moving to her side, probably to comfort her. “yaebin-ah, listen to me--”

yaebin obviously didn’t. instead, once the older rested her hand on her shoulder, she grabbed it and twisted it, breaking the older’s arm. nayoung left a pained scream, falling to her knees. it was annoying and so, as if it was the most natural movement she’s ever done on her life, she took the knife the oldest always had on her tight, and kicked the older hard, making her fall backwards. she stopped making noises, or even moving. the young one wasn’t sure if the other was alive or not, but she _did_ say more than once that she didn’t care, and she really didn’t. so she just casually turned to the other two once she noticed nayoung would stop butting in their conversation.

the oldest was in shock, tears leaving her face as if they had no other choice. “yaebin... why did you attack h--”

“ _quiet_! i didn’t fucking finish my business with you”, she shouted to the one she used to call lover, pointing the knife to her girlfriend. minkyung was actually behind her, kyungwon always the pathetic hero trying to protect her. it was a gross scene but considering all that she had witnessed, she was shielded against their shit. “i just don’t fucking get it. i’ve been here for you for so fucking long, supporting you from behind when we were coworkers, and then supporting you from up so close when the world fucking ended. i’m always here, waiting. but then this stupid bitch comes in and suddenly i’m invisible? _huh_?! or have i been invisible all my fucking life?”, she scoffed out loud. “what is wrong with me, unnie? what did i do to you? for me to deserve all of this?”, she stepped forward slowly, staring at minkyung and not daring to blink. “ _fucking answer me, unnie_!”

“you did nothing wrong, yaebin-ah”, she whispered in between tears. “you’re lovely, and i’ve always appreciated that you were someone i could _trust_ ”, she broke down a second after leaving those words, hands covering her mouth, muffling her voice, but to no avail. it was really loud.

she had to scoff once more, finding the scene quite comical. “trust? i don’t really see it.”

“maybe because you’re pointing a knife at us”, kyungwon dared to speak, challenging the younger one. this was stupid of her, she did not have a weapon with her, yaebin could end her easily and eventually, she would.

she narrowed her eyes at the other. “ _us_? i’m pointing this shit at _you_. you really think i would do anything to harm our precious kim minkyung?”

“well, you did just attack nayoung-unnie and kept screaming at her, so of course i have.”

yaebin tsked. “fuck you. either way, i’m not talking about _right now_. i’m talking about _months_ of being neglected. of loving so much and not getting picked. i didn’t even _get a chance_ and i was already discarded, unwanted. why it couldn’t be me instead of her? give me one goddamn reason for you to not even consider me, unnie. just _one_.”

minkyung couldn’t give her a proper answer. she was still in a state of shock, despair and fear, her tears slowly drying but the sobs still there. and it was so _annoying_ how she kept insisting on going against yaebin. it was distressing and it was making her madder and madder.

“yaebin”, kyungwon spoke in a threatening tone, stepping forward and making the distance between the two shorter. “drop the knife. you’re out of your mind. take a breath and sit down, we can talk about it better and calmly later. but we should make sure nayoung-unnie is okay--”

“ _are you fucking deaf or what_?! i couldn’t care less about her, or you, or anyone else if not minkyung-unnie. she could die for all i care, hell, _you_ can die for all i care!”, she shouted, moving forwards and challenging the older, knife waving at her direction, not close enough to harm but enough to threaten to do so. she had expected kyungwon to move backwards, to be reasonable and smart and just evade her. instead, the older tried to hold on her arm, tried to stop her. that was a dumb, _really_ dumb move. she didn’t aim to injure the older, but with her advancing at her, it was like an invitation to do so. the short haired girl tried to hold her arm, to stop her palm into moving, but she got their distance wrong and instead her palm was now bleeding, hissing in pain.

“minkyung, _run_.”

the older was still looking at the two in disbelief, frozen on her spot. but it was only when yaebin moved forwards, looking like she was ready to slay the two of them with no mercy, that she reacted. “yaebin-ah, stop doing this! please, don’t hurt us.”

“too late. you hurt me enough, and i’m through it!”

her arm went up but this time kyungwon was able to hold her back, despite hurting so much. “fucking run, minkyung-ah!”, she shouted to her beloved, who finally decided to do as told and ran towards no specific direction, just running until she wasn’t on yaebin’s sight anymore. the younger took notes as to where she had headed to and gave all her attention to kyungwon instead. “you have been always such a bother, unnie. it’s probably your fault that she doesn’t like me. you lured her, didn’t you? she was vulnerable after all that happened and you took it as a cue to seduce her”, she scoffed. “must be. the problem is not me, is it?”

“are you really asking me when you’re the one showing a knife at me?”, the older hissed, grip still strong.  she scoffed. “you’re out of your mind.”

“ _am i_ ”, yaebin monotonously asked. “what a shame _for you_ then.”

she didn’t let the older girl react to her remark, twisting her arm so kyungwon was no longer holding it, hissing in pain from the fresh cut, and without restraint, she stabbed the older on her stomach with as much strength as she could. she heard her groan in pain, her arms trying to push her away but for some reason it just worked as an invitation for her to keep going.it just felt really good to finally let all of her demons out, to not hold her back, to not keep her morals on check. so she took the knife out, now painted in a hue of red she had never imagined looking at, at least not like this. not with adoration, with enjoyment. it was calming somehow, reassuring that this suffering she felt was going to be washed away by the red, covering her dark, blue, heavy soul and giving it some light, some hope for a change. there would be no kyungwon anymore, and so, there would be no reason for minkyung not to like her instead. and so, with that in mind she stabbed the older again, wanting so see more of that red covering her body, and again, and many more times until she lost the count, until the fabric of her shirt was destroyed and dyed. she could only smile at the thought that maybe, just maybe, she was doing something right. for _them_.

yaebin got up, turning to where her beloved had ran away, quietly staring at the direction without moving. 

she gave a last look at the corpse. and laughed at herself.

“minkyung-unnie! you can come out now. there’s just me for you to love, finally. just me.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yaebin had always been someone with strong emotions. she loved a lot, but she hated just as much. she knew it way before, and it was only clearer now. sure she had changed quite a bit, but at least this one trait remained, somehow. maybe it was an issue now, but the world had changed and that no longer fucking mattered. and, in all honesty, she didn’t care much about it either, too lost in her black and dark world, too hopeless to see light and good. emotions didn’t matter anymore, as much as she still _felt_ them, they were useless and would not affect her, not in ways it did before, and there was no turning back into her previous self, into someone who _cared_. her one and only saviour had been gone, life taken by her own two hands, her last drops of sanity completely drying alongside minkyung’s blood, after refusing to see her like she wanted to even after the death of her previous lover. yaebin had promised herself, if it was this impossible to be loved she would go as far as destroy her beloved one, and so she did. she had become what she had been running from for the last months, an  _animal_ , worried only for its own desires, willing to do anything and everything for self-pleasure and achievement.

she still loved. but she still hated. either way, she had no restraint, no morals to follow.

and maybe she didn’t give a fucking damn about them anymore. 


End file.
